The Days Keep Going

The year is almost to an end already. It seems like it just began. What a year it has been. I never want a year like it ever again. I lost three people in my family this year. My son, and both of my remaining grandparents. As the holidays draw closer I find myself torn between emotions. I am excited to be traveling to visit family this year that I haven't seen in three years, but at the same time it is not going to be a normal happy holiday trip. There will be a lot of sadness in this trip for me. This will be the first year attempting to celebrate without my dear little boy. I miss him lots and find myself thinking about him a lot recently. Not that I don't think about him all the time anyway, but something about this time of year that makes it more difficult. You are supposed to be happy and jolly this time of year. I find myself not feeling much of that right now. I feel a bit guilty because I do have a wonderful little boy at home to take care of and to give a wonderful Christmas to. I'm just glad his is still to young to understand what went on this year and also still too young to truly understand Christmas. Here's to hoping next year hold better things for our family! Merry Christmas.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Some Days

Some days are great, others terrible and the rest are right in the middle. I had a day that started out wonderful. Mel, William and I spent the morning walking up at the peninsula and then came home to spend the afternoon together. William didn't nap at all but that's okay I guess since he slept in til 7:30 this morning and I had to wake him up. (I did that thinking he would then take a nap later. I guess I got that totally wrong!) Even that didn't really bother the great day that I was having. Then we went over to the university to play in the fields and that was great too. William had a great time and the dog enjoyed it too. Then we got home and I got the message from work that my hours have still not gone up. That just ended the good day right there. I know it shouldn't have because if we have made it this far I know we can make it another week, but it did. Mel and I found ourselves talking about one us up picking up a second job at night. Does that ever suck! That is the last thing that either of us want to do. I guess that some days are just not meant to stay good.

Poems

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

The Results Are In

So the autopsy results finally came back after 3 and a half long months. So the official cause of death was a tumor that grew in his head. My son never had a chance even if he did go down to Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. I guess it is reassuring to me to know that we made the right decision to keep him with us for that short time and take advantage of the time we had. It's hard knowing also though that there is nothing to blame and that it is so rare yet it happened to MY son. I haven't written about it until now because I just didn't know what to say or think. The day replays in my mind every single day and I miss him very much but I am trying to figure out how to keep going with Mel and William and be happy with the family that I have here with me. I love them very very much!

Also I have stated my second and final class for the summer. Just three more weeks and they will be all finished. Then all I have to do is take my exam in September. I hope this is all worth it in the end!

One Class Down

So this summer I have to take two master's classes to finish my certification for teaching early childhood. The first one I was not going to be taking because I was going to be home with James. Well, we all know that has changed, so I signed up to take the class because I need to get it done by a certain date and I just wanted to get it done and over with. This has been an extremely hard thing to do. I would sit in class and think about James the entire time and have a hard time staying focused or even motivated to do any of the work, but I pushed on and as of right now I have finished all of the work for class and tomorrow is the last class. A grad class all crammed into five short weeks! I can't even express how glad I am to be done with this class. The next one starts on Monday but it shouldn't be nearly as intense.

Also today was exactly three months since James was born and passed away. Today sucked big time!!!!!! But hears to hoping tomorrow is better. Waking up to hear William calling for mommy over the monitor is worth getting up for in the morning. Work is alright but a little stressful at the moment as we wait for the state assessors to drop in sometime this month to assess the classrooms. Life is normal for everyone and I guess for me as well (as normal as things will ever get for awhile). Mel, William, family and friends are what makes everything okay. Thanks to all of you for your support. I don't know where I would be without all of you!

Life Goes On

So it has been a little over 2 months since James passed away and life around me seems to be going along the same. Its strange how life can change so quickly. Just over two months ago we were excitedly awaiting the arrival of our second son. Now we are learning live with the fact that he is not here with us. It is strange going to the store even sometimes and just watching people going on with their lives and you are just thinking to yourself that they have no idea what has happened and it seems strange to be around "normal" life. My life is no longer the same and I am just learning to adapt to the new life that Mel, William and I have. There is a feeling of something missing no matter what you do. Days go on and we keep to a normal schedule for William and go to work and school each day and no one around us realizes that our life is not the same as it used to be. I know that I am and I'm sure that Mel is good at acting like everything is just fine when around other people but at the same time the mind is just wandering and not focusing on anything it needs to. I sit through class and just think about James and what I should be doing now. I should just be returning to work and not be taking class until July. But instead I have been back to work for two months and am taking class now. I know to anyone who is reading this my thoughts don't seem to flow together very well but that's just how they came out of my head tonight. Sorry if it confused you but I'm just writing my thoughts.