Fun Family Day

Today Mel and I decided to take William to the Cleveland Zoo. It was a wonderful trip! William loved seeing all of the animals and Mel and I loved seeing him having such a good time. One of those moments in life that you forget everything else and just be in the moment watching William learn and explore. He was exausted when we left, but it was worth it!

Day by Day

So there are ups and downs to every day, so are better and some are worse and some are just back and forth. Today was a back and forth kind of day. It started out as a rainy lazy Friday morning. I just sat on the couch and watched as William played with his toys. For some reason I was feeling really down today but nothing really set it off I just felt meh. As the morning went on and I went to work things were a little better. I guess just the routine of being at work and being busy. Work gives me the time to forget what else is going on in life and just talk to others and be "normal"again. Well, William just got up from nap so I'll post more later.

Rainy Day At The Zoo

Today we took 18 kids to the zoo. Of course after a beautiful weekend it was bound to rain! It was a busy and hectic from the moment I walked into the office. You see all of the children had to have their car seats for the trip so they were getting out of their cars and bringing them into school and then we were putting them in the cars for the trip. I rode with a very nice mother of on of the boys in our class with 4 of the children. Seems harmless right? Yeah, except she is also the funeral director's wife. So as we drove (in the car that we used to transport James to the cemetery in) all the memories of that just few through my head. They are a very nice family but I have a hard time looking them in the eye because of the whole situation, but must because they are the parents of one of my students. 

We arrived at the zoo and it was just cloudy so we thought we would ride the train first and get that out of the way. All was going well and then the rain started. Just dripping at first and then lets just say it was a good thing we had some umbrellas. We went to see the animals that were inside and then headed to the pavilions for lunch. Lunch was cold and wet but the kids had a blast, so it was all worth it. The ride back to school was about the same as the ride there, a little strange.

I went out for my lunch break and on the way back I decided to stop by the cemetery just for a minute. I drove up and go out to look around and make sure everything around James was still good. The stone should be in by the end of summer. It is a black stone from India that Mel picked out. I have a lot of respect for Mel. He made all the arrangements for James by himself. I was stuck in the hospital and couldn't go with him. I just know that I would never have been about to make all of the decisions alone the way he did. He is a very strong husband and father!

Youtube video of the song that I listen to alot during the day. Brand New Day

James Connor Nair

My son was born on March 30, 2009 via c-section and lived for a wonderful 3 and half hours. He was born with sever hydrocephalus and anemia. This was an unknown condition until that morning. I never expected the results of that day when I went to the doctor that morning. I wasn't feeling very well that weekend and James wasn't moving as much anymore, so I decided to call my doctor first thing that morning to make sure everything was okay. I went in and after talking to him for a few minutes he decided to do a Non stress test where they would monitor his heartbeat for about 15 minutes. Well, his heart rate was great, 150, but there were no alterations in it so my doctor wanted to go for an ultrasound that day just to make sure everything was okay. 

So, i went back to work for a few hours and then drove up to Erie to pick up Mel and go for the ultrasound. I was nervous but excited to see James again and make sure he was okay. After 30 minutes another ultrasound tech was called in and then the radiologist. The called our doctor and our surgeon after seeing fluid around his brain, but because of his age there was no way of telling how much was there and the extent of the problem until he was delivered. It was immediately decided to go across the street and deliver James as soon as possible. It all seems like such a blur. We go across the street and Mel starts making phone calls to everyone so that our parents know and so William is taken care of. James was born at 5:44pm. He was 34 weeks and 6 days. He weighed 11 pounds 9 ounces and was 22 1/4 inches long. Although they say that only about 4-5 pounds of that was his body, the rest was fluid. The doctors immediately decided that they didn't know what to do for James there so they called Pittsburgh Children's Hospital to send a helicopter to fly him there to be assessed. 

When James was born he was breathing on his own and was doing alright. He cried one small weak cry. That was the only noise I heard him make. Mel was running back and forth between the NICU and the recovery room and updating me on James' condition. There seemed to be some hope that things might be alright. That quickly changed. My father arrived with my cousin to take Mel to Pittsburgh to be with James but at the same time the doctors from Pittsburgh had arrived and assessed James. He no longer was doing well, not breathing on his own and needed a transfusion. The doctor's from Pittsburgh came in to give Mel and I a choice. They said that they could continue to do everything they were doing and try to get him to Pittsburgh, but they didn't think he would survive the trip, or we could choose to spend time with him and let him go. We decided that we did not want our son to die alone with strangers so we let him pass peacefully with us. I remember Mel carrying James into the room and we just laid there together on the bed and cried. 

He was a wonderful baby. James passed away at 9:15pm in our arms. He is greatly missed by all of us. The staff at St. Vincent was wonderful through the whole thing. They even took pictures for us and had them developed. We have all of his clothes and belongings from that day. I will always remember those few short minutes I had with my son. I will always remember him. 

We had a very nice memorial service on Saturday afternoon. Mel and I decided that at the grave site would just be the two of us. During the prayers, father was saying something about God protecting his soul and all of a sudden the sun came out for about 10 seconds and then went away again. That was the only time the sun came out all day. Mel and I both thought that James was telling us that he was okay.

The past two months have been very difficult for all of us. Luckily William doesn't understand anything. Going back to work has been good but hard at the same time, being around other babies and young children is difficult and sometimes they say things about it that are painful but they just don't understand so I don't get mad. One day a little boy whose mom was having her baby that day said to me when I asked him about it, yeah she is still alive not like your baby who died. I know that he was just stating the obvious to him because that is what he understands but it still hurts. I am learning to go on, but I think about him every day! Not a day goes by that I don't think about him at least once but usually more like at least 10 times each day. Sometimes I have a hard time being a mom to William because I am feeling down but I pull my self back together and life goes on. 

My sister had a baby 5 weeks ago. Mel and I have been avoiding visiting them until later when it becomes inevitable, that came sooner than expected. My grandfather passed away and we had to go to Pittsburgh for the funeral and she traveled up with her three kids. Seeing Meeka and knowing that James should be there too and be the same age was hard. I didn't think I would want to hold her or be anywhere near her but I found myself needing to hold her and be with her almost like I just needed that baby "fix." I know that she will always be a reminder of James and maybe that is a good thing. I can always see the milestones of my son though my niece.