Poems

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

The Results Are In

So the autopsy results finally came back after 3 and a half long months. So the official cause of death was a tumor that grew in his head. My son never had a chance even if he did go down to Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh. I guess it is reassuring to me to know that we made the right decision to keep him with us for that short time and take advantage of the time we had. It's hard knowing also though that there is nothing to blame and that it is so rare yet it happened to MY son. I haven't written about it until now because I just didn't know what to say or think. The day replays in my mind every single day and I miss him very much but I am trying to figure out how to keep going with Mel and William and be happy with the family that I have here with me. I love them very very much!

Also I have stated my second and final class for the summer. Just three more weeks and they will be all finished. Then all I have to do is take my exam in September. I hope this is all worth it in the end!

One Class Down

So this summer I have to take two master's classes to finish my certification for teaching early childhood. The first one I was not going to be taking because I was going to be home with James. Well, we all know that has changed, so I signed up to take the class because I need to get it done by a certain date and I just wanted to get it done and over with. This has been an extremely hard thing to do. I would sit in class and think about James the entire time and have a hard time staying focused or even motivated to do any of the work, but I pushed on and as of right now I have finished all of the work for class and tomorrow is the last class. A grad class all crammed into five short weeks! I can't even express how glad I am to be done with this class. The next one starts on Monday but it shouldn't be nearly as intense.

Also today was exactly three months since James was born and passed away. Today sucked big time!!!!!! But hears to hoping tomorrow is better. Waking up to hear William calling for mommy over the monitor is worth getting up for in the morning. Work is alright but a little stressful at the moment as we wait for the state assessors to drop in sometime this month to assess the classrooms. Life is normal for everyone and I guess for me as well (as normal as things will ever get for awhile). Mel, William, family and friends are what makes everything okay. Thanks to all of you for your support. I don't know where I would be without all of you!

Life Goes On

So it has been a little over 2 months since James passed away and life around me seems to be going along the same. Its strange how life can change so quickly. Just over two months ago we were excitedly awaiting the arrival of our second son. Now we are learning live with the fact that he is not here with us. It is strange going to the store even sometimes and just watching people going on with their lives and you are just thinking to yourself that they have no idea what has happened and it seems strange to be around "normal" life. My life is no longer the same and I am just learning to adapt to the new life that Mel, William and I have. There is a feeling of something missing no matter what you do. Days go on and we keep to a normal schedule for William and go to work and school each day and no one around us realizes that our life is not the same as it used to be. I know that I am and I'm sure that Mel is good at acting like everything is just fine when around other people but at the same time the mind is just wandering and not focusing on anything it needs to. I sit through class and just think about James and what I should be doing now. I should just be returning to work and not be taking class until July. But instead I have been back to work for two months and am taking class now. I know to anyone who is reading this my thoughts don't seem to flow together very well but that's just how they came out of my head tonight. Sorry if it confused you but I'm just writing my thoughts.

Fun Family Day

Today Mel and I decided to take William to the Cleveland Zoo. It was a wonderful trip! William loved seeing all of the animals and Mel and I loved seeing him having such a good time. One of those moments in life that you forget everything else and just be in the moment watching William learn and explore. He was exausted when we left, but it was worth it!

Day by Day

So there are ups and downs to every day, so are better and some are worse and some are just back and forth. Today was a back and forth kind of day. It started out as a rainy lazy Friday morning. I just sat on the couch and watched as William played with his toys. For some reason I was feeling really down today but nothing really set it off I just felt meh. As the morning went on and I went to work things were a little better. I guess just the routine of being at work and being busy. Work gives me the time to forget what else is going on in life and just talk to others and be "normal"again. Well, William just got up from nap so I'll post more later.

Rainy Day At The Zoo

Today we took 18 kids to the zoo. Of course after a beautiful weekend it was bound to rain! It was a busy and hectic from the moment I walked into the office. You see all of the children had to have their car seats for the trip so they were getting out of their cars and bringing them into school and then we were putting them in the cars for the trip. I rode with a very nice mother of on of the boys in our class with 4 of the children. Seems harmless right? Yeah, except she is also the funeral director's wife. So as we drove (in the car that we used to transport James to the cemetery in) all the memories of that just few through my head. They are a very nice family but I have a hard time looking them in the eye because of the whole situation, but must because they are the parents of one of my students. 

We arrived at the zoo and it was just cloudy so we thought we would ride the train first and get that out of the way. All was going well and then the rain started. Just dripping at first and then lets just say it was a good thing we had some umbrellas. We went to see the animals that were inside and then headed to the pavilions for lunch. Lunch was cold and wet but the kids had a blast, so it was all worth it. The ride back to school was about the same as the ride there, a little strange.

I went out for my lunch break and on the way back I decided to stop by the cemetery just for a minute. I drove up and go out to look around and make sure everything around James was still good. The stone should be in by the end of summer. It is a black stone from India that Mel picked out. I have a lot of respect for Mel. He made all the arrangements for James by himself. I was stuck in the hospital and couldn't go with him. I just know that I would never have been about to make all of the decisions alone the way he did. He is a very strong husband and father!